Things I have learnt today

a) If you are so doped out that a short nap lasts 3 hours, attempting anything requiring Thought is a bad idea. (Idea = product of thought = self-referential problem)

b) When one thing at a time is too many to keep track of, attempting three is a bad idea (see above).

c) But to know that you're attempting three, you need to remember that you were doing the first one. And the second.

d) Thirsty + doped = drink coffee
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Tip away end of last coffee
Fill kettle
Switch kettle on.
Go and do something else while it boils.
See b) and c)
Wonder why you're thirsty.
Goto d)

e) do NOT attempt cookery beyond "add hot water and stir" (see coffee attempt for details) or microwave.
If you stupidly attempt anything beyond this, do NOT involve large sharp knives.
If you neglect this precaution as well, make sure you do not have your fingers in the way of a very large, sharp, chef's knife that until a fraction of a second earlier was cutting a butternut squash in two, with all the force that implies.
If you hear and feel a thump as knife hits bone, do not expect an ordinary plaster, applied one-handed, to cope with the result.
Laptop keyboards probably don't like having blood running into them.
Should you have a friendly neighbour at home who has large plasters and knows what to do with them (having trained as a chef), make the most of this.

Now, what was I supposed to be doing today?
Oh. Did anyone expect any Christmas cards?