I've rejoined the Far Isles
Nov. 10th, 2007 11:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
janewilliams20I've been putting it off for ages, not quite getting round to it. I'm still not intending to go to any events, I'm still not sure I could cope. But I went down to Chris' place for a Chinese with Claire and the Westheads, and caught up on the gossip.
It seems they've got a new Treasurer, they've got a new Alderman. The hole I left when I resigned has been filled. Best yet: Peter Westhead didn't know who Sian was. I've been gone long enough that she's retreated into legend. It feels a bit like the sailor who walked inland until no-one recognised the oar he was carrying. If people don't know who she is - was - then I can turn up as my new second persona (Cymbelwyn, the shy Saxon lady) and people aren't going to be expecting me to be autocratting, cooking, telling stories, shuffling politics, providing last-minute garb, exchanging bardic challenges, and so on. Especially not all at once. The only potential problem is if I find I still expect that of myself.
So, membership form filled in, with Cymbelwyn as first persona, Sian as second. I listed all her titles and masteries, once I managed to remember them, but her Household/position is now down as "Once and future Warchief".
And I'm still not sure. I went to Mel's Bardic Revel, one I should have thoroughly enjoyed and found relaxing, and had the first panic attack of my life, bad enough to get dragged off to a doctor by people who thought I was having a heart attack. I used to thrive on stress, total adrenaline addict, and now I can't cope with it at all. It's probably good for me, but it does mean that situations I used to handle without thinking about it are going to be completely beyond me, and I'm not going to realise it until I'm already in them. That adrenaline-fueled edge just isn't there, and if I try to get it back, I make myself ill. From addict to allergic, it seems.
Next year, I've said I'll do the catering for Miki's 50th birthday - she asked specially if I'd do something like the Moroccan feast I did for her at Briavels. This isn't a revel - honest. It's a private party for 50-odd people who happen to be re-enactors. Huge difference :) It was easy enough then, with advance prep and some good assistants. I'll be catering for the same sort of numbers this time: 50-60 people, 10-odd dishes. I "know" I can cope easily, I've done it often enough before. But can I? Running a kitchen again: when I started watching "Hell's Kitchen", I was still doing Far Isles cooking, and I thought the stress levels in that were about standard and wondered what all the fuss was about. Looking back, and remembering that "normal" people thought bursting into tears and running away was a reasonable response, I wonder if I'll still be able to do it now. I can't afford to lose it when I'm running a kitchen, I've got to be able to track a dozen things at once, adapt when things go wrong, keep the others confident and controlled. I can't afford to have a panic attack, or an IBS attack, in the middle of that. I definitely don't want the hyperventilating and chest pains again, if only because I might have to think about what they mean. And I'm not sure I've still got the drive to push through. I'm not the person any more who said, and meant, "I haven't got time for concussion, I've got a revel to run", and pushed the paramedic out of the way to go and do it.
Still... advance planning, and "cheating". I can do that. I can adapt to limitations. The new Jane may not be quite as manic as the old one, but I did carry on doing aerobics and sword drill with a leg in plaster, and if I can work round that, I can work round most things. Advance planning. Advance prep. The same dishes as last time, I've still got the recipes. I can do this!
It seems they've got a new Treasurer, they've got a new Alderman. The hole I left when I resigned has been filled. Best yet: Peter Westhead didn't know who Sian was. I've been gone long enough that she's retreated into legend. It feels a bit like the sailor who walked inland until no-one recognised the oar he was carrying. If people don't know who she is - was - then I can turn up as my new second persona (Cymbelwyn, the shy Saxon lady) and people aren't going to be expecting me to be autocratting, cooking, telling stories, shuffling politics, providing last-minute garb, exchanging bardic challenges, and so on. Especially not all at once. The only potential problem is if I find I still expect that of myself.
So, membership form filled in, with Cymbelwyn as first persona, Sian as second. I listed all her titles and masteries, once I managed to remember them, but her Household/position is now down as "Once and future Warchief".
And I'm still not sure. I went to Mel's Bardic Revel, one I should have thoroughly enjoyed and found relaxing, and had the first panic attack of my life, bad enough to get dragged off to a doctor by people who thought I was having a heart attack. I used to thrive on stress, total adrenaline addict, and now I can't cope with it at all. It's probably good for me, but it does mean that situations I used to handle without thinking about it are going to be completely beyond me, and I'm not going to realise it until I'm already in them. That adrenaline-fueled edge just isn't there, and if I try to get it back, I make myself ill. From addict to allergic, it seems.
Next year, I've said I'll do the catering for Miki's 50th birthday - she asked specially if I'd do something like the Moroccan feast I did for her at Briavels. This isn't a revel - honest. It's a private party for 50-odd people who happen to be re-enactors. Huge difference :) It was easy enough then, with advance prep and some good assistants. I'll be catering for the same sort of numbers this time: 50-60 people, 10-odd dishes. I "know" I can cope easily, I've done it often enough before. But can I? Running a kitchen again: when I started watching "Hell's Kitchen", I was still doing Far Isles cooking, and I thought the stress levels in that were about standard and wondered what all the fuss was about. Looking back, and remembering that "normal" people thought bursting into tears and running away was a reasonable response, I wonder if I'll still be able to do it now. I can't afford to lose it when I'm running a kitchen, I've got to be able to track a dozen things at once, adapt when things go wrong, keep the others confident and controlled. I can't afford to have a panic attack, or an IBS attack, in the middle of that. I definitely don't want the hyperventilating and chest pains again, if only because I might have to think about what they mean. And I'm not sure I've still got the drive to push through. I'm not the person any more who said, and meant, "I haven't got time for concussion, I've got a revel to run", and pushed the paramedic out of the way to go and do it.
Still... advance planning, and "cheating". I can do that. I can adapt to limitations. The new Jane may not be quite as manic as the old one, but I did carry on doing aerobics and sword drill with a leg in plaster, and if I can work round that, I can work round most things. Advance planning. Advance prep. The same dishes as last time, I've still got the recipes. I can do this!
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no subject
Date: 2007-11-11 12:20 pm (UTC)*hugs*
(You know, you were one of the people in the Far Isles who made me feel like I might one day belong there.)
no subject
Date: 2007-11-12 08:05 am (UTC)Sanskin (& Bear)